Impending July

Not particularly cheery right now–the internet is not doing its job of cheering me up–so I’m guessing you’re all in for a bit of a ramble about the various thoughts that have passed through my head today. (What do you mean ‘all’? How many people know this thing exists again?) Anyway, the main reason I’m doing this is just to feel like I’m getting something out the way I want it to. It’s been one of those ‘everything goes right in my head but not in real life’ days. Sure, yes, that’s everyday but especially today, okay.

My brain’s been on hyperdrive lately. Way too many significant thoughts and way too little people to tell them to, and if people were around, it’s not like they’d care that I’ve started listing my greatest fears on a middle page of a really thick notebook, or that I studied for a quiz last night and found out that the class was cancelled for the day.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about secrets. I look through Postsecret every Sunday and I always wonder what my big secret is. I never really consciously hid something from everyone and revisited it in my darkest hours, never really had a secret pleasure and smiled while no one was looking. Then, I dunno, I realized that these things that come in the form of thoughts too stupid and useless to tell other people are my secrets. Pretty lousy secrets, I guess, but for some reason, I don’t want to forget my three greatest fears, the music video concept I made up for a Neon Trees song, the reason I came up with when my Italian professor asked me why I chose to study that language.

I always, always wonder, when I think about these things, whether people think about the same thing, or they think these things are too deep to waste time over. I wonder whether there was ever a book about a character who did not think about the mysteries of life or have had no beliefs about life whatsoever, if it’s possible, even in fiction, that people exist just because they have to. I feel like I’m seeing that everyday in sidewalk vendors, people at school, my parents. I don’t know whether they think about these things. Are they keeping the same secrets? Do we all have these things that we want to remember forever, forget eventually, then have come back to us on a blustery day?

This day, while not big on social progress, has been pretty interesting in terms of mental activity. I know I should be writing them all down right now so I won’t forget, but I guess this is the ‘secret theory’ in action. I just feel like I can’t. I don’t know if it’s the naivete of the possibility that maybe one day people will read this shiz–I have tons of unfinished posts saved as drafts but I never set posts to private–or just that I want to follow the tradition of keeping things quiet in blogs, pretending that there is something waiting to happen, when really, there’s nothing but words that have tried and failed to make sense.

I guess the Junebug’s almost over, driven into a stub of a feeling by the passing month. (Yeah, I blame it for this sudden burst of philosophy.) July is coming and I’m hoping to get an equally remarkable bug. It’s been a good month, June. Well, for me, at least. It was nothing like my awful summer. I suppose now that July’s coming, I’m going to be facing tougher times. In the spirit of this being a wannabe fandom blog, I compare myself to Harry. As I’ve just started reading OotP–yes, Shaniqua, you can finish three books in three weeks–we’re both facing a war. I can only hope to be as brave as him.

Just some random last minute unrelated stuff that I don’t want to forget but aren’t secrets: I think these are the most beautiful book covers, although it might just me missing being in a bookstore. The old craving to be surrounded by words is back again. Also, today marks the day I saw my first Deathly Hallows 2 billboard. It was along EDSA and I was listening to an Ingrid Michaelson song. The end is upon us.

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About shaniquasparkles
Fangirl writes. Has never written fanfiction. Pretends to write six-word stories.

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