Teary Spaz Report: The Premiere

For a long time, every time something related to the end would come on TV or online, I’d literally run out of the room or close the tabs. I quit Tumblr because I didn’t want to be reminded of the end. I re-read the books again, I joined Flash Fiction Month because I don’t want to think about it. I am not ready for this. It’s so hard to accept that this is coming and it’s coming soon, so much sooner than I ever thought possible. My heart is in twists and flops right now. It feels hard and soft and deflated and full. I do no justice to what this fandom means to me by my words alone. I don’t even know how I’m managing to type this all out. I think it’s another of my defense mechanisms. This is why I am not a Gryffindor. I am not brave, not brave at all.

So far, this video at the end of this post (because you know, the end is only the proper place to put it) I’ve seen of the premiere. No red carpets or anything. Not even photos. Just this. I know I should probably stop shocking myself and hiding from the pain, but this is how it is. I mean, I knew for a year that this moment was going to come and suddenly it’s here and it doesn’t feel right to be reading about Neolithic transitions and electromagnetism when something so much greater than that is happening. Or okay, we can argue that it’s because of the Neolithic transition and electromagnetism that these things are happening, but I don’t want to right now.

I feel so pretentious and pathetic for quoting myself but it’s just appropriate and I’m hysterical and MY FATHER WALKED IN ON ME WHILE I WAS SOBBING so please forgive me.

‘Only the fearful brace themselves.’ Yesterday I wrote about a fall, but Harry Potter is everything but a fall. If this–whatever this is–is the end, then we didn’t fall. We flew, I think, and we’ve reached the end of the journey so we just have to rest our wings and put our feet back down on the ground. It was a beautiful, wonderful journey, of so many people. The actors and the crew and the writer, I don’t think our stories and experiences are all that different. We were all touched by this thing, this mind-blowing, generation-defining thing, and it was magical and it will never end and this is it. This is it.

Feelings out, a few narrations and technicalities left to get out.

I’m not going to watch the premiere alone because my aunt didn’t let me because monsters live in movie theaters, so yeah, happy watching, people sitting around me. If this video was any indication of how I’m going to react to the actual end, get ready for literal shuddering, shaking, all-out crying. The last time I cried in a movie theater was…I can’t even remember. It was a Disney movie I think. I think it was Toy Story 3, but compared to how I’m feeling now, those tears then are the spray on my windshield. These tears now are hardcore hurricane raindrops. I am not exaggerating. Anyway, I guess I just have to tell my aunt in advance not even to look at me, even if I sound like I’m having a heart attack or something.

Also. Ugh, okay. Going back to the video, Emma looks gorgeous, her dress is stunning and her speech just did it for me. Dan is forever adorable. From cute eleven-year-old smile to hugging Emma randomly, the kid’s still got it. Rupert, Rupert is just the man. Seeing all of them say goodbye. I heard this on the news on the radio on my way home and I just started tearing up. And they’ll be watching this movie over and over again over the week, how they can handle it, I just can’t even.

I’m not going to comment so much on Jo’s speech because this’ll just send me spiraling into depression again. I just have to say: THE BIG SEVEN. It is a yes. On all counts.

Guess that’s about it. I still have to take a few deep breaths before answering my dA messages. I’m probably going to be a total wreck for all of next week so I have to warn my family now not to comment on any of my random outbursts. Also, I have to face my father who just saw me cry like a baby. Here’s to the next seven days.

(The word count for this blog entry is 777 including this sentence.)

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About shaniquasparkles
Fangirl writes. Has never written fanfiction. Pretends to write six-word stories.

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