There isn’t anyone I’d rather stalk people or fangirl with than you.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it: I’ve not been a very good human being lately. That’s not exactly news. There are so many moments in my life when I think ‘God, I suck at this being a person thing.’ I’m completely awkward in any and every situation, I am easily harried and very disorganized, I judge people I haven’t met, I care too much about tiny insignificant things and I don’t actually like people very much. I think I can live with all of that. It’s kind of a package when we’re talking about me. Obviously, I’d like to be better, but I can accept that it’s going to take some time before complete social rehabilitation. I’m trying and I hope that counts for something.

Something I don’t think I can live with though: Lately, I don’t think I’ve been a very good friend. My meanness has transcended from judging people online to snubbing people in real life. I feel like I’ve been talking way too much about myself. I don’t know. It’s like I’ve been way to occupied with my own life to care and that’s just wrong, mainly because I’m not really doing anything productive with my life.

I’ve gotten so caught up in my immediate recovery from Post-Potter Depression that I feel like I’ve forgotten to help them. I know I said in a past post that I’m going to be nicer, but obviously that hasn’t worked out yet. I’ve still been feeling around and trying to find my way and fix my life. I’ve been trying too hard to fix the unfixable. I’m not doing enough for what’s already there and what I can improve.

A while ago, I decided to finish the recovery by just deciding to ignore everything–the pain and the stress and the confusion–and just focus on my goal, which is to be an awesome writer. With that, I also folded my thousandth official crane. (I’ve been folding in between, flyers and scrap paper and stuff, but the only cranes that I counted were the ones made from decent colored construction paper of the same size. My last crane was purple.) I decided to make writing and only writing (and those related to it, books and inspiration and words and knowledge and studying hard to shift to my desired course), my top priority. It’s been working okay. I feel like I have somewhere to run to again. When I’m lost or bored, I remind myself of this goal and I keep going.

I don’t want to pick this goal over people, or at least over the people that matter. I’ve gotten so used to disliking everyone that’s it’s involuntary for me to pick a thing over a person. I’m almost 100% sure that thing will be so much better than the person, than real life, than attachment to people who don’t really care. But I love my friends. And they’re the only ones who’ve really cared about the crap I’ve been doing or at least claiming to be doing. I should really return the favor.

It feels unfair that all my friends are stressed about stuff that’s worth stressing over–stuff for the future like orgs and academics and internships–and I’m hardly making progress in my own life. I want all the stuff they’ve been working on to turn out well and while I’ve been praying for them, sometimes that’s just not enough when you know you can do so much more.

So right now, in the name of this blog, on Albus Dumbledore’s grave, I swear I will do everything to support my friends. Go to their org event because I’m really not that busy, dress up for their debut and work hard to find them a really good gift they’ll like, write with them because I’m really lucky to have friends that do the same crazy shiz I do. I love them and I need to show them that. I cannot imagine being as crazy and as nerdy and as confident about showing that craziness and nerdiness to the world if they weren’t there.

If I were still in high school, I’d write them all letters and hide it under their desks or in between their books. But this isn’t high school and I don’t understand why it’s so much harder to show your love in the fricking real world. Shouldn’t it be easier because we need it more?

Ugh, anyway, I’ve let out all that I needed to. Wow, this blog didn’t really have a purpose but that uncensored stream of love. Oh, blog, we’re getting more personal. I’m proud of us. All I need now is a good ending.


About shaniquasparkles
Fangirl writes. Has never written fanfiction. Pretends to write six-word stories.

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