I’m never close enough to say.

Just a few things I want to get off my chest. No creative intro for this one, just words.

I love my Kerouac calendar. (I was so tempted to change that ‘c’ into a ‘k.’) I’m sure in a few months I’ll have them all more or less committed to memory, the same way priests know the Gospel reading for a particular Sunday without having to check. For now, I just love having words to live by that I can actually live by, as opposed to ‘some people are just too blind to see what’s in front of them’ or ‘friends are like the wind; you don’t always see them but you feel that they’re there.’ I mean, really.

24. No shame or fear in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge. — Jack Kerouac, Belief and Technique for Modern Prose

I am embarrassed to be back on Tumblr again, but I am proud that all the Dramione blogs I follow have led me to attempt learning Photoshop. Actually, it was John Mayer’s fault. For some reason, I listened to a song for the twentieth time and suddenly it’s Dramione-related. I’ve listened to songs that I knew were fandom songs right away and I’ve made countless music videos in my head, but this was the first time I actually sat down to make one. Weird. In any case, said graphic still isn’t posted, for fear of harsh judgment, despite my asking my Photoshop-savvy friends to judge it ruthlessly from the font to the colors to the intense amount of textures. (Also, haha, realization: Some people who make graphics have better Photoshop coloring skills than I do, but omg, their font choice is downright abysmal. Not to mention grammar.)

Speaking of fandom, I had this weird urge today to re-read a fanfic from a while back. I think the high point of my day was finding out it was still saved in my laptop. I’ve cleaning everything out, see. I don’t know whether that’s smart or stupid because I just downloaded a buttload of textures, around five new albums, a fanmix and the movie The Notebook, because I kept seeing this adorable quote everywhere on Tumblr and I got curious. The fanmix is awesome though. Forgot where I downloaded it –too lazy to look through my browser history but it’s for Will Grayson, Will Grayson and my hipster eyes were opened to even more obscure bands. This is what love is.

In other news, I am slowly plowing my way through schoolwork. Today was kind of a fail, but it’s like a manageable fail. I forgot that I had to submit an index card for my first class of the day. This isn’t really a big thing because I forget things all the time, but it’s my first real unsalvageable slip-up of the semester. I mean, I’m happy it wasn’t a bigger mess, but still, I’m disappointed in myself. I feel like I relapsed after two months of being clean. Also, I have a feeling that if it was a smaller class the teacher would get an idea of how much I actually care about her subject, which isn’t a lot. Thankfully, that class is auditorium big and I sit at the back. I spent it reading 100 Years of Solitude, which is a book about war and incest and made me miss The House of the Spirits.

English 11 feels a bit better than it did at the start of the semester. By that I mean my anger has evaporated into nonchalance.

We learned how to do makeup today in Theater class. Again, there’s that moment of failure wherein I realize I forgot to bring my drawing of the possible makeup for my character even if I specifically told myself that morning: Oh, hey, I should remember to take down that freaky drawing I made of Electra for Theater today, we might need it. But I don’t know. Theater is a sort of homely class where people accept each other and some people actually threw out their drawings, so it wasn’t as much of a failure because it felt like we failed together. My prof was nice enough to let us draw it again, and because I had mine tacked to my cork board, I more or less drew the same thing. (The eye makeup was so much better in the original though.)

There was an awkward moment when my prof asked whether my drawing was the original and I said no and he asked where the original was and I’m like ‘Nakapost po sa bahay.’ And he’s like ‘Nakapost?’ like haha, why are you displaying that. That was a very ‘I’m in kindergarten and I stick all my pretty drawings on the fridge with magnets’ moment.

So I was the kid who didn’t know which one was the foundation. Actually, I didn’t even know half the stuff that I brought with me. Makeup is like a set of paints for me. Things are either the paintbrush or the paint. I seriously felt like I was just covering my face in eyeliner. That or I dunked my head into a pile of ash. Thankfully, I found the savior that is liquid eyeliner, which felt more like a paintbrush-pencil hybrid and I managed to save my face at the last minute. I can no longer imagine living my life without it. While I want to redeem myself by using my newfound liquid eyeliner prowess to make myself pretty instead of looking like a stressed, vengeful, exiled Greek princess (that looks a lot less hot than it sounds), my face is really itchy right now. It’s going to be a long time before I’m ready to exert the effort to do this on a regular basis.

My hair, on the other hand, is another story. My primary goal in growing my hair out has been achieved: I can now do a crown braid. This is an achievement, yes. All I have to do is get enough courage to wear my hair like that to school or to somewhere outside my house and I’m ready for a haircut. Seriously, this really is the only reason I wanted to grow out my hair.

And wow, that was a lot to get off my chest, and it’s not even nine yet. As a lame closing paragraph, I give you this blog: Metro Manila Missed Connections, which, I think, is the best thing on the internet right now. I love that there are so many well-versed Filipinos out there who are just looking and noticing things and people and I love that these moments are happening in this country, the kinds of moments that you make you write poetry and make music videos. It’s unbelievable that there is so much hidden in this city and even more unbelievable that there are people finding it. I’m hardly ever happy to be where I am, I always feel like I need to be someplace else, but this blog is my here and I remember that there is a reason why I am, well, here. And okay, secretly, I’m waiting for someone to look for me. I’m like this eerie presence at school. Somebody’s bound to have seen me, right? Hello, inferiority/invisibility complex.

Okay, that’s all.

Title from Gray or Blue by Jaymay. (The lyrics people insert in graphics are also wonderful sources of new songs.)

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About shaniquasparkles
Fangirl writes. Has never written fanfiction. Pretends to write six-word stories.

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